


Madness of the Mind and the Music

by noodlerdoodler



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-15
Updated: 2015-09-15
Packaged: 2018-04-20 22:58:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4805330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noodlerdoodler/pseuds/noodlerdoodler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"There is no great genius without some touch of madness."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Madness of the Mind and the Music

**Author's Note:**

> Involving a bipolar Sollux (usual disclaimer that I'm NOT bipolar and details may be wrong) who plays the piano.
> 
> Half my tenses are screwed up, I'm sorry.

Sollux Captor spent the entire of his junior year in high school hating his life. Not every day, not as much, but there was a pretty much permanent underlying feeling of loathing. He could be sat in math class and it would suddenly occur to him how unfair it was that he had to attend a school that he was way too smart for. He could be out with Karkat, when he'd suddenly remember that he only had one friend, who probably didn't even like him that much. He could be awake at five in the morning and suddenly come to realise that he was sitting in the front room in his underwear, kicking ass at some video game or another, and realise that he was wasting his life. 

Sometimes, he found it very difficult to drag himself out of bed in the morning. Not because he was tired- well, partially because he was tired; he always seemed to be tired and when he wasn't, he was bright eyed and wide awake- but just because he didn't want to. At first, he put it down to laziness or hormones because he knew he had a fuck ton of both of those things. But after browsing the internet a while, he discovered that this was a little stranger than normal. Sure, it wasn't every day that life had felt hard and exhausting. There were good days and days that were much too good for it to be okay and those days made his head hurt. But the bad days were so bad that he came to hate living his life like this. 

He was pretty goddamn smart and it didn't take him too long to realise that he needed something to take up his time. Moping around on his computer wasn't doing anything for him, he needed some kind of hobby. For a while, homework had been enough to keep him occupied but now, he could barely bring himself to do it. He found it difficult to focus his attention on something so easy. He'd need something more difficult, something stimulating, something that would occupy his spare time and give him something to cure his boredom and therefore his misery. 

It must have been sometime during the summer of that year that his parents dragged him to some stupid museum or another. That was the year that they seemed to realise that they were losing their younger son to adulthood soon and were suddenly determined to fit family days out whenever they could. Half the time, Sollux just wished they would leave him alone. But it was at this dumb event that he discovered music. Well, not exactly discovered. He always knew that music existed but he never thought that it would be something that he would be interested in. Of all the things he'd like, classical music was never one that even occurred to him. 

He'd gotten exhausted half way through the whole ordeal and slipped away from his strangely over attentive parents to find somewhere that he could sit down and rest. He'd finally found a piano, which had a seat albeit an uncomfortable one, so he'd collapsed there and cradled his sore head in his hands. He had no idea how long it was that he sat there but it only felt like minutes before he heard somebody clear their throat. He looked up, lifting his head off where he'd been resting it on the piano. 

"Do you play?" It was some dark skinned girl with a scruffy mess of even darker hair falling around her face. Both the bright red glasses on her nose and the wide grin that accompanied her screechy voice was enough to have Sollux sitting up straight. He didn't do girls, not since Aradia; they made him nervous. The girl was still grinning at him as she sat down next to him and nearly nudged him off the seat. 

"No." Sollux said, eventually, "I don't know how." 

"Oh, well it's easy to learn!" The girl beamed at him.

"I don't really-" 

"Give me your hand!" The girl croaked in her strange voice and because why the fuck not, he held out his hand to her and she fumbled for it. She gripped it, her palm pressing to the back of his hand and her fingers guiding his across the keys. That was the first time he ever played, lost in a museum with a stranger carefully moving his hand. It sounded jolty and out of place, the notes mashing together badly, but something about it stirred something in his stomach. Almost some kind of epiphany. It was just like typing on his computer but only better because it created something soothing and beautiful. 

For a while longer, he stayed with the girl who introduced herself as Terezi. And she showed him how he could move his hands like this, press that key and bit by bit, it begins to click together in his mind. Sollux had always been too smart for his age and he picks up on technical things like memorising the keys quickly and it's not long before he knew which order to press them in to make it sound like proper music. Of course, all good days come to the end but not all good things. Music isn't a thing that ever has to end, it's eternal. 

He made sure to thank Terezi before sloping off to find his family again, his mind alight with new ideas. 

After that, he couldn't get the idea of playing off his mind again and it bothered him late at night. Every time he closes his eyes, the music dances through his mind and after he wakes up sweating at four in the morning more than once, he decides he has to do something or the music of some dead guy will haunt him forever. So, the next day, when he heads into school, he heads to the music room and snags an open session in there for himself. One thing he knows for sure is that he doesn't want lessons. While he had fun with Terezi, he wouldn't want anybody to teach this to him daily. 

He wants to learn by himself, for himself. He wants to play himself back together.

It becomes a daily occurrence for him to sneak into the music room before or after school, attempting to master the instrument that he's come to adore. He plays until his fingers ache and soon enough, his fingers are being bandaged carefully prior to playing. He works before school and after school, ignoring the steady increase in migraines from squinting at page after page of music. He's not great at first and for a while, he doesn't think he's going to get any better. Until one day, he realises he played through an entire piece without fucking up and he wants to scream with happiness. But he likes to think he's too reserved for that, so he just starts to play again. 

It's a commitment that's greater than a relationship, takes much more time, but he loves the piano as if it were his significant other. Sometimes, he even finds himself daydreaming about replacing the piano they have at home with a much more beautiful one. That's when Sollux realises that he's fucking obsessed with the instrument and it's beautiful music and the way it speaks to him without any words. He hates words. Words are hard- maybe that's why both music and numbers come to him so easily. 

As much as he hates to read, it isn't long before Sollux finds himself reading up on these pianists who's music he likes, the famous and the infamous, the well-known and the lesser-known, the strangest and the most beautiful pieces he can find. And what he finds is a love for not just the music but the people behind it. A reoccurring theme in composers, he finds quickly, is the fact that so many of them are crazed. They seem to understand, their music seems to realise, exactly how Sollux is feeling. So many of them are like him: eccentric. He even finds that a lot of them seem to share his understanding of the good days and the bad days and the swings between them and he wants to cry because nobody has ever understood it before but these dead men from long ago seem to get it completely. 

He relates to them strongly and before long, he wants to be like them. He wants to create and build and write and most importantly, he wants to compose. 

It's not long before he actually is writing his own music, playing out the keys in an order he likes before noting exactly what it was that he did. He doesn't have any proper sheets of music, instead he scrawls the notes on post-it notes and sticks them to the inside of his binders of schoolwork. His teachers are more than confused, when the little homework he does hand in is littered with handwritten music. Thankfully, they don't seem to understand what it is because Sollux thinks he would be humiliated if anyone found out that he was writing music. It's not the kind of thing that he wants to share with anyone, especially people at school. 

The only person that does know what he's up to is Karkat because they don't keep anything from each other. His short, angry friend was a little surprised to find out that the music room was where Sollux had been slipping off to all this time. But once he convinces Sollux to play something for him- and the whole experience is so unnerving that he fumbles most of the notes, feeling Karkat's eyes burning into him- he tells him that he's better than he thought. Sollux takes it in his stride and spends the whole night practising the music, fuelled with a mix of energy drinks and determination. 

The next day, he sits Karkat down and proves to him that he can do so much better. 

Of course, both his dads know what he's up to because they found his notes stuck all over the piano they have at home. Sollux only uses it when he's alone in the house because he doesn't want to be overheard but he stills keeps sheets of music stuffed down the back of it. To his annoyance, his dads are delighted and sandwich him between them in a hug, so they can tell him how proud they are. It's embarrassing but they do offer to buy him anything they can to help, an offer that he leaps on. Next thing he knows, he actually has proper sheets to write his music on. 

There's something about the sound of the music that helps keep him going; the way that it flows through him smoother than his blood seems to and soothes his almost constantly aching head. It gives him something to look forward to, something to do at lunch, something to rush to after school and he loves it. He loves that he can create worlds of sound. He still can't play too well in front of anybody else- he tried to play for his parents once but ended up smashing the keys in frustration, jamming some of the old ones permanently into place- but it doesn't matter because for once, he's not doing this just to boast about it. It's just something he really, really enjoys. 

Not to mention, he's found that sometimes- not always, nothing can fix the worst of it- he can play the bad days away. If he's feeling really bad, he'll drag himself out of bed and into school early so that he can lock himself away in the music room and play away. The bad days don't go away easily but he can push them, building himself a barrier of sound to keep them away. More often than not, he feels much better about the world afterwards. This is the point that Sollux Captor begins to turn his life around and stops hating it so much. Unfortunately, some days are too bad for music to fix. 

This day in particular, the day that he met Eridan Ampora, sometime in the middle of February, was an especially bad day.

The notes wouldn't fit the way he wanted them to and each press of a key sounded like a dull plunking noise. He tried to play, his fingers racing eagerly across the keys as they often did, but he quickly grew frustrated that it wouldn't work the way he wanted to. When it came to his work, Sollux Captor was a perfectionist and if even one note was missed, he'd start over and play again. And again. And again. No matter how many times his fingers skated across the piano, it wouldn't work, and he yelled in frustration as he slammed his hands down. The sound of fifteen different keys being slammed echoed throughout the room even louder than his yell did and it felt like it was mocking him: failure, failure, failure...

"You knoww, other people do wwant t' use this music room." 

Breathing heavily, Sollux spun around and spotted a person standing in the doorway. He had a single eyebrow raised, a doubtful expression like he wasn't sure why Sollux even got to use the music room if he was just going to fuck up repeatedly. Something about that look of almost smugness made Sollux mash the keys once more before he stood up and swung his backpack over one shoulder. He made sure to bump into the other man in the doorway. 

"Wwhat the fuck wwas that for?" 

"For interrupting me. I wath quite clearly buthy."

The other man's retort was so quite that if Sollux didn't have acute hearing, he probably wouldn't have overheard it. But he did.

"Busy throwwin' a hissy fit." 

If this was middle school, Sollux might have slammed into the wall for speaking to him like that. Even now, he considered it as he scowled at the other man's back until the door swung shut behind him. The slam of the door jolted Sollux back into reality and he shook his head to clear it of bad thoughts. Today was just a bad day. He could recover from a bad day. 

"Fuck you too, aththhat." 

His piano at home was decent enough for him to practise on occasionally but when it came down to it, the thing was falling apart. It occupied a corner of his front room and was beginning to gather dust, which he brushed off as he sat down. When he could, he preferred to use the school music room simply because the piano there was so much more expensive and so much better than the one he owned. He had regular slots to use it, day after day. Nobody else seemed to have much interest in using the piano as it always appeared untouched. 

But, since the music room had been taken by an idiot, he would settle for using his own. His family wouldn't bother him while he was practising; they knew not to by now, because there was nothing in this world that Sollux hated more than being interrupted. He kept an eye on the clock anyway, knowing when his dads would return from work with Mituna, as he began to play. 

Even now, the notes wouldn't flow the way that he loved to hear them but it didn't matter because he knew nobody would be listening. This was his personal space and this didn't count as an official practise. As far as he was concerned, he could fuck up as many times as he wanted to and none of it mattered. So, as his fingers jolted and shook, he just shrugged it off and continued. As usual, by the end, his fingers were a little more able and he played a little better. By the time he was finished, he was content that he'd done well enough and he'd managed to play through the frustration. He could relax. 

There was a kind of relief that came with ending the music; a sort of quiet that he couldn't really put into words, but he loved, loved, loved. It was like, for a few minutes, everything else was gone and he was alone and everything was quiet and everything was right in the world and he could just relax. He inhaled and exhaled, feeling empty like the stress had been played out of him, a lazy grin spread across his face. 

The ringing phone jolted him away from his peaceful place and as his eyes snapped open, he realised that he'd been falling asleep. He glared at the landline from across the room, cursing it out for ruining his moment of quiet. But everything that begins has to end and his moment had drifted away. With a sigh, he stood and cracked his knuckles and fingers back, heading across the room to answer their stupid phone. 

"Hello?" Almost as soon as he picked up, whoever it was on the other line obviously gave up and hung up on him. This did nothing to improve his mood as he put the phone down and headed through to the kitchen to make peanut butter sandwiches. He didn't give a second thought as to who was calling, since it was probably somebody for one of his dads anyway. Speaking of which, his family came home soon after and the illusion of peace shattered completely.

"THOLLUXTH!" Mituna was wailing as soon as he got through the door, tackling his brother in a sticky and wet hug. For whatever reason, Mituna was covered in mud and Sollux wondered if he'd managed to get himself into another "skateboarding accident". That meant plummeting face first off his skateboard and managing to get himself another injury. His suspicions were confirmed when Mituna held up a grazed arm. 

"Thuckth, bro." Sollux said, holding his brother still so that one of his dads could stick a band-aid on the graze. There was a few more tears, Sollux patting his brother's head while he ate his sandwich with his other hand, until Mituna remembered that Latula was coming over and raced upstairs to "get ready" for her. Sollux didn't know what that entailed but he guess it making sure his bed was an acceptable place for his brother to nail his girlfriend. He knew that they had sex a lot, though he didn't really understand why. Personally, he found the whole idea of sex to be kind of gross. 

"Thanks for helping with Mituna." Sollux's dad, the one that hadn't already retreated to his computer, wrapped an arm around him, "You're a champ, Sollux." 

"Yeah, whatever." Sollux rolled his eyes, putting on the dad-you're-so-embarrassing face as he was strangled in a hug.

"How was your day, Sollux? Kiss any girls?" 

"Ew, Dad, no." 

"Kiss any boys?" 

"Thhut up or get out." Sollux finished his sandwich at last and slid his plate into the sink, licking the remnants of peanut butter off his fingers before speaking, "Dad, I had another bad day." 

"Another one?" This earns him a concerned look, "And you're sure that you don't want us to take you to the doctor?" 

"No, it'th not a medical thing." Sollux said, firmly, "It'th thomething I can deal with on my own and I'd like to." It's something that his music could pull him through like it had done so many times before, "I don't need any help with it." 

"Sollux-" 

"There'th good dayth and bad dayth and I jutht happened to draw the thhort thtraw today." Sollux shrugs, leaving the kitchen so that he didn't have to argue with his dad any further. He hated to argue with his parents about anything and lately, the bad days have been something that have been discussed more times than he would like them to have been. The good days have also been mentioned but nowhere near as frequently. They don't occur as frequently. 

And as the bad days seem to multiply, the more time he spends trying to push them away.

He knows that the music has somewhat consumed him but he can't bring himself to care, shutting himself away for hours on end like he used to with his computer, only this time he's creating art and it's much more fun. It fills him up with happiness when he plays or composes, it's something that keeps him feeling reasonably okay most of the time, so his parents decide not to comment on his obsession but refuse to feed it any further. The only person that does seem to be concerned about the amount of time that Sollux is spending at the piano, surprisingly enough, is the guy that was kicking him out of the music room. 

One day, Sollux is lost in the music and his fingers are sliding easily over the keys because today is a good day and it's always so easy to work on the good days, when he hears a voice from just over his shoulder. He jolts in surprise, having forgotten that he'd left the door unlocked today in his rush, at the sound of the smug voice. 

"Do you evven eat or breathe or do anythin' other than playin'?" 

"Huh?" 

"Wwell, you'vve been playin' for the last three hours wwithout movin'. Don't you evven get up to piss?" There it is again, that slightly quirked eyebrow, but this time he looks more amused than he does smug. He's standing right behind Sollux, his hands on his hips in a slightly more feminine pose, looking entertained at having somebody to tease. Sollux thanks all the deities that he knows of that the asshole didn't catch him on a bad day.

"There'th no need to be an athth about it- wait, have you been watching me?" Sollux narrows his eyes and for the first time, the guy loses his smug demeanour for about half a second. He almost looks embarrassed, ashamed to be called out on it. 

"You looked really into it." He says, quietly, "I couldn't help it. You play real good."

"Thankth, but I don't really care what you think." Yet, Sollux still feels that familiar heart-thumping sensation that he always gets when people say nice things about his music. It's a mix of embarrassment and delight, both of which he manages to hide with a scowl, as he gets to his feet. "You can have your muthic room now. I'm done." He collects up his notes, shoving them in his bag, before heading off. He thinks he hears a "thanks" called after him. 

As time creep towards the warmth of late spring, he begins to develop a strange kind of twitch in his hands. If he isn't playing or typing, they're jerking back and forth like they are anyway, and it worries his dads. It takes them a while to come out and say anything but even he notices the anxious looks he's receiving. He's not surprised when he's confronted in his room, after he gets back from the shower. His parents are sat on his bed, looking at him in a way that they normally reserve for talking about his moods. A look like they're nervous that he'll punch the wall (again) if they dare say the wrong thing. He bites down hard on his thumbnail to distract himself from the memories of the bad shit. 

The lecture that follows isn't actually about the moods but are about him overworking himself. Dark shadows under Sollux's eyes are pointed out and the soreness of his fingers and the constant twitching when he isn't playing. And, like he's about five years old again, his parents ban him from playing outside of school hours. They want him home at four each day and not a moment later. This results in the usual arguments with Sollux being totally in the right and his dads being in the wrong. They just don't seem to understand. They don't seem to understand that music is almost like a safety net for him and without it, he's just falling into nothing. 

Adjusting to not having his beloved piano to play is difficult and Sollux spends most of his lessons unable to focus, twitching and wincing at even the slightest sound. He has to start wearing his headphones, music in his ears, because having that is better than having no music at all. The world just seems so loud and hard and the bad days start to creep up on him now, becoming bad weeks instead of bad days and sometimes, he just wants to collapse on his desk and cry. He's certain that this isn't normal teenage hormone shit because everybody around him just seems so much happier than he is and he wonders what the hell he's doing wrong. He wonders what the hell he did to deserve this. 

As the bad days get worse, his grades slide away from him and he realises that Karkat is so much busier with his other friends and the world is tugged out from under his feet when he discovers that he has nothing without his music. It was the only thing he had and now that it's gone, Sollux wonders how he even managed to lead a life prior to it. He spends his school days feeling like an idiot, knowing that he could at least do math but not being able to push himself hard enough to work. He spends his time at home in his room, not even having the energy to slump over his computer. Instead, he naps, falling in and out of sleep, and only gets up to eat. 

Good days and bad days seem to switch back and forth frantically then; after the bad days can drag on for ages and make him hate everything, the good days will come back and he'll feel smart and brilliant and he'll do all his homework in one night and compose seven different songs, which he has no way of playing. His parents seem to realise this but whenever they try to talk to him, they all end up yelling at each other and it's painful because he hates how loud the yelling is and Mituna seems frightened by it all. Eventually, his family decide to leave him alone and let him do his own thing. 

It's one of the bad days, when he's sitting outside and stuffing his lunch down his throat, that he finds himself being tapped on the shoulder. When Sollux turns, he sees a familiar smug face behind him. For the first time, he notes that the guy has freckles all over his tanned face and he wonders how he never noticed this before. 

"I havven't seen you droolin' ovver the piano in a wwhile." 

"I'm not allowed to play anymore." 

"Says wwho?" 

"Thayth my parentth." Sollux sighs and the other boy seats himself beside him on the steps, crossing one leg over the other as he unboxes his lunch. It's a posh looking lunch with all kinds of exotic looking food and even though he's just eaten, Sollux finds himself shuffling closer so that he can snatch a few pieces of what he guesses might be chicken. The other boy protests so dramatically, swatting him away, that it makes Sollux chuckle and then, swallow hard when he realises that it's the first time he's laughed in weeks. The other boy must notice him stiffen. 

"I'm not really mad at you. Just keep your grubby peasant fingers awway from my lunch." 

"C'mon, I've never even theen half thith thhit before. Help a commoner out?" 

".... I might be wwillin' to trade if you got any candy bars." 

"Oh, yeah?" 

"My dad wwon't let me eat them anymore." The guy pokes at his stomach, which pokes out over his skinny jeans, and Sollux's attention is quickly drawn to how ridiculously tight this guy's pants are. If he popped a boner in those, his dick would be crushed. Blinking away thoughts like that, before things get awkward, Sollux looks through his bag until he retrieves half a Hershey's bar. This seems to satisfy the asshole sat next to him, who snatches it and shoves his lunch onto Sollux's lap. 

After that, it becomes a regular occurrence for the two of them to meet out there for lunch. It isn't something that they discuss but Sollux just comes to expect the guy to meet him out there every day, surprised when he doesn't. Of course, the guy isn't always there because apparently, he has swim team meetings sometimes. Sollux is surprised because he didn't think that the guy would swim and the guy poked at him and said that he didn't expect Sollux to be a piano nerd either. 

"I'm more of a math nerd actually." Sollux had corrected.

"Shut the hell up." The guy had flipped him off.

Over the next few weeks over lunch, he learns an awful lot about the guy- who's named turn out to be Eridan, Eridan Ampora, which makes Sollux laugh for ten minutes straight because it's so posh sounding. He laughs a lot more now, he's finding. He learns that Eridan is from some super rich family and that his dad is ridiculously strict. He learns that Eridan loves fantasy, especially Harry Potter, but he's much too embarrassed to tell anybody about it. He learns that Eridan also loves science more than anything and- and this is the worst thing of all- that he hates music more than anything. This is enough to make Sollux choke on sushi that he may or may not have traded Eridan a peanut butter sandwich for (he's also found out that the rich boy is a sucker for "peasant" food). 

"You don't like muthic?" 

"It's so hard and borin'." 

"Like you on a Thaturday night." 

"Wwhat are you, twwelvve?" 

"I can't believe you don't like muthic." 

As it turns out, Eridan hates everything that Sollux likes and vice versa. Where Eridan likes art, Sollux likes math. Where Eridan likes to shop or swim, Sollux likes to game or code. Where Sollux loves his piano, Eridan hates the violin that he's being forced to learn. Apparently, his dad wants him to be well-rounded and that includes him being good at music, amongst every other subject. Eridan had grown to detest music (and pretty much everything) because of this and Sollux still can't believe that he does so. Here he is, being separated from his beautiful piano and here this guy is, being forced to play an instrument he hates. 

One day, Eridan doesn't show up for the entire of lunch. Sollux doesn't give it much thought but he does feel sorta lonely throughout lunch, eating miserably on his own and having nobody to talk to. Which is strange because he never used to like talking to anyone but now, even on his worst days, he wants to spend his time with Eridan. A few times, on the especially bad days, he even adjusted to lay against his friend, resting his head against his shoulder. Surprisingly, Eridan doesn't question this but slings an arm around him and just continues rambling about how swim contests have got to be rigged because there's no way that he came last every single race. 

They haven't actually talked much about the bad days or the good days but Sollux has told Eridan that he's certain something's wrong with him. It was on one of the worse days, when Sollux was practically lying on his lap, and he'd needed to mumble his complaints to somebody. Surprisingly, the usually over talkative asshole was quiet until he finished and then, he didn't even make a rude remark. He just said:

"Sol, you evver been checked out by a doctor?" 

"No." He says, stubbornly, before hastily adding, "I don't need help. I need my piano back." 

"Wwhat you're talkin' about... It sounds a lot like some kind of disorder or somethin'... They could probably get you some pills to help you..." 

"I don't need pillth! I don't need your fucking help!" Sollux had snapped at him, snatching his bag up before storming off with a loud huff, not even looking back because he might have cried if he had. That was yesterday. No wonder Eridan hadn't showed up to lunch today, he probably still thought Sollux was mad. Sollux sighed at his past actions now. Actually, whenever he looked back at his past actions, he was filled with shame. He was such an idiot. 

Since he'd given up on the idea of seeing Eridan again, he was more than surprised to hear his name being yelled when he stepped outside of school. He looked up to see Eridan frantically waving at him from a limo window, desperate to attract his attention. Something about the whole display was so cute that it made Sollux bit his lip so that he didn't start smiling. He slunk over to his friend, poking at him through the window. Eridan snatched up his hand, making Sollux's heart abruptly screech to a standstill. Eridan Ampora was holding his hand in his soft, cold, freckled one.

"You'vve got to come ovver, I'vve got somethin' to showw ya." Eridan insisted, letting go of him so that he could fling the car door open and let Sollux in. 

The whole way to Eridan's house, the boy refused to spill on what the big secret was, but he did insist on bouncing up and down in his seat with excitement. Sollux honestly hadn't seen him this pumped since he'd got him talking about Harry Potter and it lit a fire inside of him, burning up his internal organs so that they flamed red hot. His heart burnt in the heat and his face turned red hot but he hoped it didn't show on his darkish skin. When the limo pulled up outside the biggest house that Sollux had ever seen, Eridan leapt out and dragged him with him.

Even though it wasn't a romantic gesture, the feeling of Eridan's hand tightly wrapped around his made Sollux's blood pulse in his ears and made him want to vomit. In a good way, he was sure. He was lead inside and past the chandeliers and fancy artwork and marble pillars before he could get a chance to comprehend what he was seeing. Eridan kicked his shoes off and continued to hurry down the hall, still pulling Sollux with him, until he reached a small door at the end. Unlike the other doors, it wasn't huge or flung open to show off the inside. It was almost hidden away, a small wooden door, that the family seemed ashamed of. Sollux wondered what could possibly- 

"This is for you!" Eridan says, proudly, as he swings the door open, "I had Daddy get the best one I could find. I hope it's the right one." 

Words fail him like they did the first time he touched a piano. 

"Sol, is it the wwrong one or somethin'? I'm sure we could exchange it-"

Slowly, Sollux approaches the beautiful, new piano and flips it open to reveal the shining keys of black and white. He ran his fingers over them, barely able to believe what he was seeing. 

"Of course, Daddy didn't mind forkin' out the money for it. He alwways says wwe havve more than wwe knoww wwhat to do wwith anywway- oomph!" Sollux threw his arms around Eridan, pulling him into a tight hug. He couldn't believe that his friend had bought a whole piano, just for him, just so that he could play. Eridan was soft to hug too, all flesh and knitted sweater and cotton scarf. He smelt amazing, like vanilla, and Sollux was suddenly overwhelmed by the desire to cuddle him to death. Or kiss him. He could totally kiss him right now. Luckily, Eridan broke away before he could seriously consider it. 

"Noww, you gotta play for me. To say thank you." 

Anything. 

Before he can even think to be nervous or worry about fucking up, he takes his seat by the piano and slides as close as he can to it. And, with ease, he begins to play. He doesn't think about Eridan standing just behind him and watching him. He doesn't think that he hasn't practiced in weeks, so he's probably making plenty of mistakes. He just lets the music wash over him and the world seems to fall away for a while. There is only music and sound and relief because he's finally playing and he's got his crutch back, he's got something to keep him stable. He's not going to fall apart because he can play himself back together. 

It's only when he finally finishes, minutes later, and lets his hands go limp that he exhales. He realises that he's sweating a little, the palms and backs of his hands, and he feels the strange kind of relief that finally, finally, music belongs to him again. It's a few moments of feeling empty and full and light and heavy and faraway and close before he hears Eridan clapping slowly but not sarcastically. Instantly, he turns around and stares at his friend. He'd completely forgotten that he was standing there. There's a strange expression on his face and suddenly, Eridan is flinging himself at him.

"You are a fuckin' prodigy, Sollux Captor, I swwear to god." 

"You're pretty fucking amazing yourthelf-" 

And that's how he comes to kiss Eridan over the keys of his gorgeous piano, beautiful music still flowing through his ears and making him feel so very alive and he just wants to freeze the moment and frame it so that he can look at it forever.

That's the day that Sollux Captor learns that he can love something other than his piano and it's the beginning of something even more beautiful. The feeling he gets when he sees Eridan, it's the same feeling he gets when he lets his hands slide over the piano keys. It's a feeling of openness and vulnerability and happiness and almost relief. Eridan is his new getaway from the tricky days. His words are the music and Sollux loves to listen to him talk, listening to him rambling on about whatever. He loves to rest against him and stay close to him, even if he is a total dickwad sometimes. They spend hours like that together, pressed together and talking quietly as if loud noises would shatter everything. 

Weekends are spent at Eridan's ridiculously huge home, normally sat at the piano, and Sollux makes up excuses to keep his family out of it. Eridan's just a group project partner, just somebody who took notes for him, just a friend to hang out with, just a best friend. Until one day, he invites Eridan over and introduces him as his boyfriend. He pretends not to notice that money exchanges hands and wonders when his dads started betting on this. Eridan gets to spend the night and though they aren't supposed to share a bed, they do anyway and Sollux finds out that his boyfriend is a sleep cuddler and also deathly cold even under the covers, so to speak. There's also more than one incident that Sollux ends up kicking him accidentally.

But it doesn't matter when it comes down to it because there is no better feeling than waking up with his boyfriend tangled up with him and being able to call him just that- his boyfriend. 

Soon, they're spending weeks together when it hits summer vacation and then, it's months. Sollux comes to learn that Eridan is very good at keeping him grounded and vice versa. He still plays, of course, there's nothing he loves more to do. But he doesn't need the music as much as he used to, not when he can call Eridan late at night and listen to his voice instead of listening to Mozart. He also eventually gives in to his boyfriend complaining about the moods and finally, goes to see a doctor. He's diagnosed and prescribed meds and all that he can think is that he's truly a composer now. He's even got the madness that all of them seem to be blessed with, a madness that destroys but also creates. It's the cost of being smart, he supposes, and Sollux is really, really smart. 

Sollux Captor can't really hate his life anymore, not when he has a beautiful boyfriend to call his own. Even on the worst of the bad days, he can't bring himself to hate anymore because Eridan always seems to know what to do. He has a talent for spotting the bad days and will know whether he should pull Sollux onto his lap to soothe him or whether he should make him some coffee and leave him alone with the piano. Sometimes, Sollux does just need to be left alone with his music so that he can play himself back together, using the music to deflect the low blows of his moods. 

There were no more truly bad days- only days that aren't as good as he'd like them to be. 

And that's okay because he can deal with it, as long as he has Eridan's help.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading!!


End file.
